Since getting out of the military, I have worked hard to get back in the some semblance of ‘shape’ and then over the last year, I allowed myself to lapse back in to many of my old habits. And as I sit here right now, I know that I am so tired of starting over, but I also have no idea how to ‘maintain’ once I lose weight. I recognize that my weight is not the thing that defines me, but it is the thing that may or may not lose me a chance with the person who could be my future spouse. It is also the thing that could absolutely mess with my health and cause me to have diabetes years before I am supposed to (it’s genetic-so I know it will probably happen). It is also the thing that I spend more time thinking about and trying to avoid thinking about all at the same time.
I so desperately want to stop starting over and I know that. I also am so scared of failing at this, again. Of getting down to the weight I want to be and then just letting myself down again. And frankly-that fear is, almost, making it so that I am not really trying to lose the weight this time. It’s an ‘I am, but I’m not’ situation. I’m doing the workouts and eating fairly well, but I am also giving myself a lot of flexibility when it comes to eating out. I feel a little bit lost and just not sure of what to do- even though I really do know what works for me. I am just struggling to decide that I am actually going to go all in with this, again. That I am actually going to work through it and buckle down to do it.
I am in this odd headspace where I am actually pretty happy with the rest of me and I do not want to upset that. And I am not sure why I think that losing weight will upset that, but I just keep getting this feeling that it would. I feel like I might start focusing on my weight as a sole point of worthiness again and I do not want to do that. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight- I found myself feeling completely empty when I actually reached my goal. I did not feel fulfilled- I just felt empty. I felt skinny and empty. That was so not a place that I ever thought I’d be in when I reached my goal weight and then the weight just started to come back on-because I had hopes of what losing the weight would do for me and when those hopes were not met- I was crushed.
I have had those words run through my head a lot over the last year, but I was not willing to actually put it down on paper. I was not willing to say that I just thought that things would fall in to place when I was the weight that I wanted to be. I knew that that was not quite right, but I also could not pull myself away from that idea that as I got closer and closer to my weight goal, I was also getting closer to all of the other things that had yet to manifest in my life. And then- that just didn’t happen.
I now feel like I am in a drastically better place mentally and that I can actually look at the scale and just think about it as a number, not as something that determines my future. However, I do want to be a smaller size. I want for my outside to fit the way that I feel about myself on the inside. And I realize that is going to take a lot of work, but I also know that I am done starting over again. I am determined to not be in this place again-which means I may come back to this article a lot-but I do not want to feel this feeling of defeat and needing to try again, again. If I can stay where I am mentally, then getting to where I want to be physically just might have things finally sync up well. I am hopeful. I am more sure of myself. And I do truly love who I am in this moment, from the inside out. Which I think is exponentially more important than trying to love myself from the outside in.