Is there such a thing as residual hurt? Does that even exist? If so- I have never heard it put that way. But I can definitely say that it is something I ran up against tonight. It is kinda like the Sara Evans song that talks about getting stronger each and every day. Except this was one of those days where the hurt just kinda rose up again. Against my wishes and without me intending to feel that way.
The actual story to what I am talking about happened before I started this blog, but I have talked about it before. I do not want to rehash everything that I wrote about back then-so if you are interested, just take a look here. Tonight- I want to talk about when that hurt comes back up out of the blue and just kinda bowls you over for a bit. I want to talk about residual hurt.
Over the last few months, I really have done a lot better. I worked through the hurt and moved on to a mostly happy place- where my life does not feel like it is going up in flames due to a person who did not really care for me. But tonight, I felt the pangs of hurt again. I felt the pangs of hurt as I know that some of my friends are scoping out if there is continued interest on my side and if there is any kind of interest on the other side. But I do not want that. I do not want to even think about it- because it is all still too raw- but do I tell my friends to butt out? Do I tell them to just let God take care of this and trust that if God has a plan for it- His timing will work out better than any of our timing?
Frankly- I don’t know. It is not that I feel pressure from my friends, I just feel like this person is trying to step back in to my life and I am not sure that I am really ready for that. I am not sure that I can or should completely shed the walls that I have thrown back up to protect myself. I also do not trust myself when it comes to this person. I do not trust what my gut says, because I am not sure my gut knows what it is talking about. And since I’m usually 100% sure of my gut, that is saying something. I guess right now- I’m just living in the world of ‘I don’t know’.
So today, I can say that I am feeling residual hurt, but I can also say that this is part of the normal process. And after years of just burying it, I am glad to be progressing through the normal stages of getting over being hurt. It is not that it is fun. It is more of the fact that instead of clamping down on my own emotions- I am feeling them. And I just have to keep reminding myself that feeling these emotions is so much more important than being completely locked down and unreachable.