Allow me to start with a cliché. Life is a journey.
And, in my opinion, it is what we do on the journey that truly matters. (And if you’ll allow for another cliché- life is what you do with the dash). And there are days when I am concerned about what I am doing with my dash. There are days when I just do not feel the want to do anything. I am sure that is normal, but I also know that some of it comes from the fact that there are just areas in my life where I want more than what I have.
So part of the journey for me has definitely dealing with those things that are outside of my control and resolving myself that those parts of my life will work themselves out. I just have to work on me. That sounds simple, but my goodness, it is trickier than it sounds. It is tricky to try to find that balance where I am alright, when I am really not alright.
While there are definitely times when I can show just how ‘not alright’ I am- that is not something that I want to do every day. Wallowing in being ‘not alright’ does not do me any good. But there are times when wallowing does feel very good. It does feel very good to just sink in to my emotions and really feel exactly how I feel about something. If that confuses you-this article may make it make sense.
The thing is, when I sink in to my emotions lately- I find that I find a pretty deep sadness. I find a pretty deep feeling of wanting and longing that I have for things that are in that ‘outside of my control’ realm. And that is hard. That is a hard part of my journey because I know that I need to deal with those things, but I also know that I do not want to deal with the pain.
Off and on over the years, I have had things happen that I have just buried. And off and on over the years, I have had moments where I started to investigate those things and I just do not make it very far in getting those things off my chest before I return to burying them again. I return to burying them because I just do not want to deal with it.
But in the last couple of years, I realize that some of those very things are the things that are suffocating me on my journey. They are suffocating me with doubts and fears about parts of my life that I am just not sure will ever happen. And while it scares me. It also pisses me off. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I being so hard on myself with so many things? Why can’t I just let them go without going through immense amounts of pain? Immense amounts of pain that I felt when these things happened in the very beginning.
So, I think I am going to try something to help me with getting those things out. I think I am going to try writing letters to the people that caused these issues. I am going to rant and rave about what happened and then-I’m going to burn every letter. I’m going to burn them as a symbol of letting them go. And I am hoping that with each one of these things, that I will get through what hurt me the most and let go of some of those things.
These are all parts of my journey. But I am very tired of these parts holding me back. I want to use them to propel me forward, instead of having them continue to hold me back.