There are many tenants that we are taught in Christianity. This includes how to pray, how to talk to God, how to study the Bible. It does not include begging God to intervene in our lives-but there are just times when that is what we really feel we need to do. And I’ll be honest- I have been doing a lot of begging lately.
While I promised myself that I would not get bogged down about being my age and being single, I have been bogged down lately. I have been bogged down with just longing for things that God has said ‘not yet’ on and really praying that it is ‘not yet’ as opposed to ‘never’. So I find that my prayers have had a tinge of begging in them lately. Begging that God has not chosen that I will be alone forever. Begging that God gives me the strength to continue to be single for as long as He wants me to be single. Begging that this burden bearer will be able to have someone that I can actually trust with my own burdens-because there are lots of things that are mine to bear, that I trust no one with.
Over the last several months, I have learned a lot about carrying the burdens of others. I have learned a lot about how that affects me and how much I would really like to have someone that can take care of me as well. While bearing those burdens is a blessing, it also makes me extremely reluctant to let my own burdens out. I carry enough pain for others, that I am afraid of my own pain. I am afraid of my own needs. So I beg God that there is someone out there that can really care for someone that has the ability to feel and care for so many others. Unlike people who can just sit and say ‘that’s not my job’, that does not really help with me.
I want to continue to have hope, but I also struggle because of the fact that hope means that I have to be willing to put myself out there. It means that I have to be willing to feel the people around me and trust that I will not be overwhelmed by the things in their lives. Sadly, I just do not know if I really trust that at this moment. So I’m going to keep trying and I’m going to keep praying and there may even be a bit of begging in there from time to time. But I know that recognizing what I need, is an important part of fighting to keep myself while I am bearing the burdens of so many others.