Welcome to my “The Lies She Tells Herself Series”. This is lie number one and it is a big one to deal with. It is a lie that so many women (and potentially men) can relate to-but for most of us- this is just a lie we tell ourselves.
Lie One: No One Will Ever Love Her
The lies all start out innocently enough, as temporary truths that somehow manage to become a permanent part of her being. They are things that should be dismissed as an occasional state of being- instead of rules to live by. The ways that the lies capture her though, well that is the stuff that only someone who craves protection can understand. Even if it is only protection from herself.
Each day she stares this line in the face: no one could possibly want her. No man would ever decide to make her his. She had never known a kiss and was sure that this was the lot she was to have in life- the lot that she would be forever alone.
Her friends thought it silly. How could she believe this lie? How could she believe that “forever alone” was her fate? What her friends did not know was all of the fuel that lived under that lie. The fuel that kept it burning and relevant year after year.
The lie started for her at age ten. The age when several of the other girls in her class had their first “boyfriend”. It was just a guy to exchange letters with, but no one would have her. No one wanted the slight quirky, slightly chubby gil. And she was told then- wait a few years- the boys will all want to date you then.
The lie continued at age fourteen- as she watched her friends have their first serious boyfriends. Or at least as serious as it could be at that age. She put her heart out there and had it stepped on by more than one teenage boy. More than one teenage boy that still just saw the slight quirky, slight chubby girl. And then she was told- just wait a few years- the boys would date her then.
The lie matured at ages sixteen and seventeen- as she went to promo alone- because try as she might all she could see herself as was a pity date for the various guys that her friends tossed out as possibilities. She was the date that no one would ask or take unless someone coerced them in to it. And she wouldn’t accept that. She was still quirky and not quite as chubby, but she had come to think that those things weren’t what kept people away. She had started to realize she was clueless and more than a bit rude when someone might be interested. She had started to realize that her lie actually made her feel safe.
The lie continued in to her twenties- where she remained mostly dateless. She remained someone that was constantly on the outside-looking in. Seeing relationship that she wanted, but still fully believing the lie that they would never happy for her. She became comfortable with the pain that came with being single and she got used to burying that pain any time that a man turned her down or chose someone else. The pain was only hers to bear and no one needed to know just how much she hurt.
And then- one day- she started to break the lie. She started to look herself in the eye and say that she was worthy of love. She was worthy of the love she had seen with her parents and grandparents. She started to believe that there just might be someone out there that could like the more than slightly quirky and still slightly chubby woman that she was. And this time-her heart was completely shattered, but she did not want to let the lie win again. She grieved her pain and she fought to heal. She fought the very lie that had wrapped itself around her and gripped her tight for years.
She recognized that she did not want for this lie to rule her life any longer and that meant facing it. It meant working to tear the lie down piece by piece. It meant taking down nearly two decades of defenses that she had built around herself and trusting that she could make it, trusting that the lie was no longer needed in her life.
She told the lie that it was no longer welcome here and when it dug in, she dug in as well. She was determined to prevail. She was determined that her lies would not rule her life anymore. And this was just the first lie that she must face- while she might not have found her knight in shining armor- she was not alone. Breaking the lie had proven that much to her.