My heart and my head have been battling each other lately. They have been battling over the fact that I could get a friendship back- if I was fine with being “just friends”. My head says that it was a good friendship, that I miss having a friend who seemed to really get me. My heart says that I’ll never be able to distinguish between friendship and all of the things I wanted outside of that friendship. All of the things that I wanted that friendship to grow in to.
I grieved the loss of this potential relationship hard- I guess you can say I am still grieving in some respects. I cried more nights than I can count. I tried so hard to just bury everything again, but thankfully my body refused to let me bury my emotions again. My body forced me to face the grief head on and I did. I painfully did And I wanted to hate him. I wanted to rejoice when is fledgling relationship fell apart just as quickly as it started. But mostly- I wanted for him to become fully inaccessible so that I would move on. So that I could place hope on other things. It always worked out that way in the past, but it hasn’t worked out that way this time. This time he’s still “available”.
Over the last few months- I’ve kept thinking about trying to go back to being friends. I keep thinking that I could do it, convincing myself that I am far enough away from the pain to be able to try to go back to some semblance of friendship. And then my heart rears up and promptly reminds me that I am not very good at being “just friends” without getting emotionally attached. And that gets me hurt. Tiny little empath thing- we bond to people hard and we break just as hard when they break us.
So there has been this consistent back and forth between my mind and heart. My mind is battling years of defense because it realizes that if I keep protecting my heart- I may never get a chance at a relationship. My heart has such good defenses- I guess being hurt often enough does that to a person. Here’s something that I realize though- in all of the years past when this happened- I managed to stay friends. And I just don’t know if that was a good thing. It gave me the person- but I did not get what I wanted in the end. All I got was a good taste of how to hide what I felt for the sake of someone else.
And now that I realize that this is what I have done- that I have learned to hide my own feelings- I can’t help but wonder, when was that ever a good idea? When was hiding what I felt better than actually feeling it?
As a burden bearer- I think there is a not so tiny part of me that hates to place burdens on someone else-because I know what it feels like to have burdens. Then again- most people don’t feel others burdens as deeply as I do, they just don’t. And one thing I learned-is there are actually a lot of people around me that can deal with the excess of emotions that I do have. Not every one of them will handle it brilliantly-but they do handle it better than I ever thought they would.
So-no- I won’t be just friends. I won’t bury things in my heart ot make a friendship that’ll never be what it once was. I also won’t hold a grudge about it- these things happen. Maybe he was just to be a friend for a season- that taught me the lesson of a lifetime.