This lie. This lie began somewhere around age five. At the time when school started and being compared to others began. She was the tender hearted little kid. The one who was hurt too often and cried more than she should. So she started to bury it- to bury her feelings- because being too emotional was just no good.
As she grew, she got better at it. It was part coping and part because her emotions scared her. She did not feel things lightly-so she choose to dampen all of her feelings. She thought that this was better. She thought it was better to feel some, but not all of the emotions that happened to her.
She still had times when her emotions broke through to the surface. At age twelve- she yelled at one of her good friends- because she could not take another day of ‘hanging out’. She desperately needed a day to just be alone. She needed time to process her emotions and get away from people.
She remembers times throughout her teenage years when she spent hours in her room. Hours fighting her emotions and trying to shut them down, trying to control what she felt. She thought then that control was the key. If she could just control all of her emotions-it would be alright- they wouldn’t be so overwhelming. She did not realize that this mockery of control actually made it worse, because it is so much worse to dampen what she was feeling and then have that feeling just linger.
And as she entered her twenties- it really was not any easier. It really did not change. She held things in. She buried them and she only ever took a peak at what was in her box of emotions. A full blown look would just be too much-or so she thought.
Then- at age 26- she realized that she needed to fully feel. So, she let herself start feeling again, because she wanted to. She wanted to be truly happy, truly sad, truly everything and this meant she had to deal with the lie of being too emotional. She had to reconcile with the fact that her emotions actually made her stronger. That showing how she felt actually made her more personable. That showing how she felt was a key to her life- it was the key to so many things she had pushed away.
She knew this would open her up to hurt. She knew that hurt might make her want to retreat and stop feeling again. She knew it was a risk-but she knew that living in the lie was worse. So she cast it off. She accepted her tumultuous emotions and she found herself. Slowly, but surely, she found herself.
Did you enjoy this post? If so- be sure to check out links to the full series here. Also-if you liked this- feel free to comment and/or share!